This has literally been the Week from Hell.
The story starts 2 weeks ago. It was a perfectly normal day, until 10:30. I see the boss coming down the hallway and discreetly hide my game of OpenTTD. Trailing him is what looks like a recent buisness school graduate, with a MBA whose ink has barely dried.
Turns out I was right. Entitlement junkie (yuppie, whatever you want to call it) has been assigned to MY department as a liaison to the Auditing Department. Used to, they just had an auditor come down every so often, but now we’ve got a guy with his own cube. (Thankfully, I was involved in the cube-picking process. He currently has the cubicle with the worst ventilation. It’s always steaming hot.) This guy is a yuppie in the worst sense of the word, and he has no clue how things work in the realm of ANY information technology department, never mind mine. The boss left for a moment to get his briefcase before the 3 of us went out to lunch. I stood up to grab my coat and scarf and all, and he starts critiquing things. Chief among them:
- “Your socks need to be matched.” (I was wearing one polka-dot sock and one black sock.)
- “Where’s your tie? Why isn’t your shirt buttoned?” (I was wearing an Apple t-shirt under a plaid shirt.)
- “Those pants aren’t approved in the dress code.” (I was wearing khaki cargo pants, dress code states no cargo pants. IT handbook states “Screw the dress code.”
- “Your hair is fucked up.” (You all know what my hair looks like, I think. If not, picture an early-Beatles haircut.)
- “Why aren’t there any American flags in here? Where’s your love for your homeland?” (Firstly, he sounds like a Russian. Secondly, I have British and Norwegian flags in my office (to honor my heritage.) Thirdly, my homeland isn’t America.)
- “You drive that piece of shit?” (Firstly, my Saab 900 isn’t a piece of shit. Secondly, nobody calls MY car a piece of shit without getting his seat heater disconnected. It was COLD that day, around 30 or so.)
Lunch went a bit better, he turned back into his reasonable, eager self. I learned that he was starting this week, and as soon as I got back, I gave orders that his life should be made as hard as possible.
So Monday morning, he walks in all cheerful, and as is customary for new people in my department, I took him to lunch. Monday, I drove my Saab 96. Earlier that morning, I disconnected the heater vent for his side of the cabin. During lunch, he made the comment that our “standards are lacking” and that “that scarf and trenchcoat makes you look like a fool.” He clearly has no originality whatsoever.
For those who don’t know (most of you, I think,) my scarf is roughly identical to that of the Fourth Doctor’s.
He spent most of this week snooping around the office and being a general pain in the arse.
He makes a presentation this week on what he’s found to the Audit Department tomorrow. As department head, I will be sitting in on this meeting. Expect a great post.