Well, Matt (the previously-mentioned auditing department n00b) faced the Audit Panel on Friday. We’ll get there in a moment, but first, something completely different. Went up to Boston on Sunday around noontime to see some old friends, and more importantly, to pick up my friend Edgar, from London, who’s vistiting here on work all weekend. He’s staying with us for the week, and it’s fantastic to see him again.Heather’s quite well, and now we return to our update, already in progress.

As I was saying, he presented to the Audit Board on Friday. Most new auditors make the mistake of reporting “discrepancies” and “code violations” and “company handbook violations” from the IT department. They don’t know yet that we work to our own tune. The more interesting bits of the report included (these are direct quotes):

  • An average of 16 dress code violations…per day
  • Lack of respect for company property (walls/cubicles with various adhesives used to attach posters and other assorted, useless decorations)
  • Lack of respect for other co-workers
  • Failure to follow Robert’s Rules of Order during weekly staff meetings
  • Failure to have weekly staff meetings on a weekly basis
  • When staff meetings do occur, they take place on a ping-pong table in the server room, with many non-related topics being discussed (sample topics include an upcoming fashion show, various family issues, a deep discussion on how much various (not-to-be-named) members of the IT staff would like to have sexual relations with various people, and an even deeper discussion on desktop pictures.)
  • Department head refuses to use proper English, instead using an obscure British variant. (Excuse me, but since when is British English obscure and not proper?)
  • The American flag is not displayed enough in this department, Accounting has a flag on every desk. IT has various non-American country flags, a United Nations flag, and quite a few flags from something called the “United Federation of Planets,” whatever that may be.
  • Completely incomprehensible language. Foreign terms include (spelling may be off) “wankar,” “ars,” “fiber-optical connecting,” “lahnux,” “newb,” “stoo-foo,” and “feck.”
  • My cubicle is very very hot, and smells like coffee and processed sugars. (Editor’s note: His cubicle is right next to the IT department’s snack table. Matt does *not* like anything artifical, nor does he like coffee. There’s something wrong with this kid, I swear.)

Once Matt was done presenting to the Audit Board, they looked through his handouts, looked at each other, then laughed hysterically, before calling me up to defend my self. My defense consisted of the following points:

  • Despite these glaring issues, we’re the best-run department in the building.
  • The last time we had a system failure, it was my former boss’s fault.
  • All-time downtime percentages are at 1% of operating time.
  • You have no imagination r creativity, and you have no idea what it means to be in Information Technology. GTFO.

Before he got back, the others in IT set to work pranking his cubicle:

  • The vent above his cube has been adjusted – now it’s the coldest cube on the floor, due to the trap door in the A/C vent being opened. (IT was getting a little warm anyway.)
  • One of those things that beeps at random intervals has been hidden inside his phone.
  • His phone has been tapped.
  • An old sandwich has been hidden inside a drawer. Give it a few days, and it’ll be mouldy.

That’s the news from Floor 2, Section 5. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.